'Twas a fine foggy day in Septober The rain it were bucketing down So I picked up some buckets - and I flogged 'em outright To the council for half a crown Through the drizzle a form come walking Clad in an old flannel vest He wore nowt on his feet but bunnions And a cauliflour pinned to his chest What a man has to do for a living He said as he passed slowly by And I recognized him, it was Acroyd I could tell by his roving black eye 'Cos it had roved off his head to his kneecaps And was stuck there swivelling round When lasses walked past it looked up, aghast And at other times looked at the ground 'Ay up lad,' I said, 'eh, how are ya?' He smiled, his teeth blackened and broke He said, 'I'm marrying a lass in the morning' I said, 'Its better than marrying a bloke' So we went to the registry office next day On back of bus - 59 The bride was too wide to get up and ride So she run like bugg'ry behind At Oldham the hill was against us It was far too steep for the bus So I held the brides aspidistras And made it easier for her to push To Cheers and Hurrahs she shoved us Right to the top of the hill But her eyelashes ran down her face with sweat So she'd a tash and mutton chops too After the wedding was over We went to the Clogger's Arms Where they'd tripe and cow heel and parkin Black peas and black puddin' on barms The bride cut the cake with her false teeth 'Cos someone'd buggered off with the knife But she didn't take care and they slipped - and flew through the air Causing buggerations, trouble and strife 'Cos they landed on grooms fathers bald patch And took a big chunk off his head So he smashed father in gob with his hearing aid And left her in't jelly half dead At that the brides mother errupted Without even excusing herself And she poked the old fella, with a silver salt cellar Which wasn't too good for his health Now the nephews and nieces chucked parkin And splurted black peas all over t'room An the in-laws and the out-laws, they battled like buggary And the brides mother throttled the groom She were eight foot seven and six foot wide And arms on her just like a bloke She'd teeth like they hold the commandments Ten of em - every one broke!